In the style of Private Eye, to which he was a long time subscriber:

In Memoriam
Paul Figgins

So Farewell then Figs
Our long time friend

He was a cricket man
a wicket keeper
of some regard

In a famous best man speech
'Bowled a maiden over' and
'Tickles to leg'
Both Raised a chuckle

It's what he did

Like all great batsman
An unexpected stroke
Ended his Innings

Classy but too short.

E J Thribb (17½)

Toby jugs

And here it is courtesy of Ms Strobes at Private Eye:

Its from issue 643 and is in the Business News section.

 

Ugandan Discussions

I have finally found time to sort and assess my Christmas presents. Its not a hard task, it just needs a few quiet moments.

I get quite a few golf related presents, balls and clothing mainly, and they are always appreciated. It is a bit bizarre, though, to think that the balls will be in somebody else's pocket by the end of the year, or in a lake or deep in the deepest wood!

I got shirts, and jumpers, most of which were self selected, so they were a good gift. I also got a pair of shoe spikes to save me falling over too much on the ice and snow should it recur, and a pilates mat for my stretching classes!!!

My other gifts were literary in nature. My main gift was a Kindle and I will be experimenting with that shortly. I also got a book of maps relating to the house we live in at the moment. I think that deserves a blog entry of its own. Lastly I got the 50th anniversary book of Private Eye to go with the ten year and 25 year histories I already have.

It did, however, amaze the family when I indicated to them that I had been a contributor to the famous organ sometime in 1987. I also recall receiving a cheque for about £120 for the article.

My contribution all stemmed from plans which Thames Water and a company called Themeworld had for the rugby pitches which were used at the time by Twickenham rugby club. Themeworld were fronted by Rod Hull and Emu and the plan was to develop a theme park much like Alton Towers, on the site of the pitches.

Well there was uproar at the time as the park would have been developed in a fairly residential area of West Middlesex. We, therefore, started a publicity and opposition campaign which embraced the local MP of the time, Toby Jessel. I thought I would be somewhat satirical and using Rod Hull as a taxidermist, I wrote an article which Private Eye considered of sufficient humour and interest to publish in their news section at the rear of the organ.

I really must try to find the original piece as I am sure the kids don't believe me!!

Don't dubbin the toecaps, Mum.....

I am having a Glenda Slag moment today, triggered by the latest front page expose of David Beckhams knee injury.

Ah that sweet David Beckham don't you just love his tattooed torso and stunning good looks, wizzing down the wing for England. I would love to massage his groin strain anytime...............David Beckham, what a big girls blouse, calls himself a footballer, with his metatarsal of a girlfriend and dodgy knees ( no connection there for sure) the States are welcome to him. Beckham, you Yank.(geddit!!).

Metatarsals now they are strange little bones aren't they, discovered by your average football player about 4 years ago when the bones featured in the Bash Street Kids Christmas Annual. Since then the players have been going over like nine pins. 'Desperate Dan' Rooney, Steven 'the scouse' Gerrard, Gary 'Trotsky' Neville and, oh yes, 'break it like' Beckham himself have all had damaged meta's.

Well I have the answer, give them some proper boot like I used to wear. Our Jackie Milburn, Tom Finney, Dickie Dean and Billie Wright never had such injuries, and why? Proper boots. ......... now wheres that hammer, the nails are coming through my feet again......